OK--so I think this is what a mid-life crisis feels like--or it's the beginning of a major depression.
I hate everything.
This last year or so has been one of the worst financially, spiritually, mentally etc. and I no longer have the strength to deal with it. My job sucks (at least I have one, but it still sucks), my home life sucks, we're slipping into dire straights and I have no one to talk to about it. I cannot say ANYTHING to the husband without him taking great offense. I know he feels like crap about the job situation (or lack there of) but I don't see him doing much of anything to fix that and to be honest, I'm pissed--looking for a job IS your job--do it--quit waiting for it to come to you. The person I should be able to share my fears with just shuts me down. I hate this kind of life.
If it were not for my daughter, I would pack up my shit and leave. Not just because of the hubby--but because of everything. I'm feeling "lost", confused, anxious--I feel a wanderlust forming--I have to get away from here, but have no idea where to go. Or even how to do it. I want a change, I want something new, I want to be anywhere but here. I am not comfortable in my own skin, I need to start over somewhere else--leave all my baggage and just start fresh.
I will not do that to DD--she is my air, my life. But how can I be a good mother to her when all I want to do escape? I put on the smile, I do all the right things on the outside, but on the inside I just want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like a drowning person--I gasp for air everyone in a while, but I just keep getting pulled under by the weight of my life.
It's pretty bad when you cannot even cry anymore. The sweet release of a good crying jag is even far beyond my reach. I am empty.
3 comments:
Aw, I'm sorry. It definitely sounds like you're depressed. You need to talk to somebody about it. I highly recommend talking to a therapist, or even your primary care physician. S/he may be able to diagnose whether or not you're just going through a rough patch, or if it's chemical or something that medication might help. Either way, you are not alone. You are a great wife and mother. Times are just tough right now. You have some major stressors going on in your life. What you're feeling is completely normal. It will pass. But please get some help if you need it. I did. (My email address is on my blog if there's anything I can help you with.)
If I lived closer we would go to Chipotle and drown our sorrows in burrito bowls and margaritas.
Co-sign with T.W.I.T, get thee to the doctor and talk. It's good that you're opening up here, but you need to be able to talk to someone about it face to face. Does your employer offer a counseling program?
I think there are far too many people that are going through the same thing right now. If you need to talk, you got my email! ((HUGS)) and prayers to you!
Thanks Guys--you know it even felt better just finally putting all the "crazy" in my head down on..well..posting on the web. I layed it out there for the world to see--it validated my feelings for a bit.
I know/agree I need to see someone--but to be honest--adding the Dr bills in not in the budget right now. Why can't I have a breakdown when I have money to see a shrink? HAHA! I will just keep on praying I guess. While DD was in dance class last night I went to sit in the 24 hour prayer center in Bowling Green for a bit--I had a good old long talk with God--I gave it up to him and I'll just have to keep the faith I guess.
Thanks for your kind words.
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