OK--so I think this is what a mid-life crisis feels like--or it's the beginning of a major depression.
I hate everything.
This last year or so has been one of the worst financially, spiritually, mentally etc. and I no longer have the strength to deal with it. My job sucks (at least I have one, but it still sucks), my home life sucks, we're slipping into dire straights and I have no one to talk to about it. I cannot say ANYTHING to the husband without him taking great offense. I know he feels like crap about the job situation (or lack there of) but I don't see him doing much of anything to fix that and to be honest, I'm pissed--looking for a job IS your job--do it--quit waiting for it to come to you. The person I should be able to share my fears with just shuts me down. I hate this kind of life.
If it were not for my daughter, I would pack up my shit and leave. Not just because of the hubby--but because of everything. I'm feeling "lost", confused, anxious--I feel a wanderlust forming--I have to get away from here, but have no idea where to go. Or even how to do it. I want a change, I want something new, I want to be anywhere but here. I am not comfortable in my own skin, I need to start over somewhere else--leave all my baggage and just start fresh.
I will not do that to DD--she is my air, my life. But how can I be a good mother to her when all I want to do escape? I put on the smile, I do all the right things on the outside, but on the inside I just want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like a drowning person--I gasp for air everyone in a while, but I just keep getting pulled under by the weight of my life.
It's pretty bad when you cannot even cry anymore. The sweet release of a good crying jag is even far beyond my reach. I am empty.