Monday, June 30, 2008

Unheard of Gorging at the oil change place.....

OK--so I innocently go in to have my oil changed in the car. I'm told it will be about 45 minute--so great--45 minutes of me and my book--peace and quiet. No one bugging me, no one wanting anything from me--heaven!!

I snuggle into the chair in the waiting room that I have all to myself and dig into my book. all came crashing down.

I hear the Gawd awful banshee voice bellowing out in the lobby about "NEEDEN TO SEE SOMEONE RIGHTS NOW ABOUT MAH CAR MAKING SOME DAMN NOISES" Oh..My..God...I look up into the lobby to see this woman just a pounding on the front desk. The poor service guy behind it was already shaking in terror.

I swear this woman was 400lbs, and her blond mass of crazy woman hair had probably not seen a comb in 2 years. Rat's nest doesn't even begin to describe the horror. Her ass was eating what was left of her shorts and the thin pieces of rubber serving as flip flops were begging for mercy under her feet. BUT--if that was not enough, the TATTOOS running up and down every exposed inch of visible flesh--(an oh yes, there was visible flesh--thank you Walmart Tank top people for making a tank top in size OH MY GOD!) I can appreciate a tat or three--tastefully done, I can respect someone's need for body art. But this was ten tons of crazy. No rhyme or reason, no "story", no thought out art going on. Her tats were just one big "run on of thoughts and images and text" scattered all over her arms and legs.

But anyway...she finally gets someone to help her and they ask her to have a seat in the waiting room.

This is where MY hell begins.

First of all--don't get me worng--I'm overweight myself--I could stand to lose 25--30lbs--so No skinny minny is going on here. But DAMN--this woman had her own gravitational pull.

As she came into the room she immediately started screaming (she only had one voice level--FUCKING LOUD) about how in the HELL was she supposed to sit on one of these chairs--they all had ARMS on them--didn't they have a couch for her?????? Umm, yeah--they keep one in the back for just such occasions--sit your ass down and shut up.

I keep my eyes low pointed towards my book--but getting glances out the sides at the "show" that is going on across from me. This woman has a large bag with her and I'm kidding you not--here is what comes out of it.

(2) count 'em TWO 2 liters of Diet Pepsi
(1) bag of Cool Ranch Doritos
(1) bag of cheetos
(2) Sandwichs of some sort on hoagie buns
(1) Box of Little Debbie something or others

Screaming woman is perched on the edge of a chair and she starts putting all these things on the chair next to her. And then proceeds to start in on her feast of 50 thousand calories.

Drinking straight out of the 2 liter, shoving in a sandwich, riffleing thru the chips--I swear I have never seen anything like it--it's like someone turned on a Hoover and sucked it all up. But the worst was the lip smacking and chomping and finger licking going on. Seriously--thought I was going to hurl. Especially since no hand washing went on prior to this--ugh! Best part--it was like 3 in the afternoon--not a normal time for meals such as this--and if this was her afternoon snack--God help the Old Country Buffet that was probably her dinner victim.

I so desperately wanted to get out my cell and snap a pic of this nightmare--but there was no way I could do it without getting busted--and honestly, I was afraid she would kill me.

So after all of the food carnage went on , she got up and started checking out the vending machine--and damn if she didn't buy some Combos, pop the top on the other 2 liter and start in on that. I just don't understand how someone doesn't explode shoving that much food into themselves.

Mercifully, my car was done and I got to go--but I did ask the guy checking me out which car was hers. He said "Belive it or not--it's that one parked by the door (No, she didn't even put it in a parking place). On my honor, I look out the window and it's early 80's FORD FIESTA. I looked at the guy and said--"I think the noise she hears is the car begging for mercy". He just laughed and I just earned my ticket straight to hell for that commment.

1 comment:

Kelley said...

Wow. That's frightening! Maybe she thought the diet soda cancelled all that other crap out. I've seen people like this at buffet restaurants and they never fail to stun/nauseate me.