OK--so today was my first paycheck with my employer induced "Voluntary" hour reductions on it. OMG! I really didn't realize that my check would go down THAT much only working 4 days a week--but for God's sake, it's quite a shock.
Thank God I had my "banked" commissions also payout with this check--but that cleared out my bank and in 2 weeks (with no business coming in) I will freak out when my "salary" check is the only thing I have.
OK world--shape up, pull your head out and get business back going again--momma needs to make a mortgage payment!
Will this recession EVER end?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Mid-Life Crisis....I'm having one
OK--so I think this is what a mid-life crisis feels like--or it's the beginning of a major depression.
I hate everything.
This last year or so has been one of the worst financially, spiritually, mentally etc. and I no longer have the strength to deal with it. My job sucks (at least I have one, but it still sucks), my home life sucks, we're slipping into dire straights and I have no one to talk to about it. I cannot say ANYTHING to the husband without him taking great offense. I know he feels like crap about the job situation (or lack there of) but I don't see him doing much of anything to fix that and to be honest, I'm pissed--looking for a job IS your job--do it--quit waiting for it to come to you. The person I should be able to share my fears with just shuts me down. I hate this kind of life.
If it were not for my daughter, I would pack up my shit and leave. Not just because of the hubby--but because of everything. I'm feeling "lost", confused, anxious--I feel a wanderlust forming--I have to get away from here, but have no idea where to go. Or even how to do it. I want a change, I want something new, I want to be anywhere but here. I am not comfortable in my own skin, I need to start over somewhere else--leave all my baggage and just start fresh.
I will not do that to DD--she is my air, my life. But how can I be a good mother to her when all I want to do escape? I put on the smile, I do all the right things on the outside, but on the inside I just want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like a drowning person--I gasp for air everyone in a while, but I just keep getting pulled under by the weight of my life.
It's pretty bad when you cannot even cry anymore. The sweet release of a good crying jag is even far beyond my reach. I am empty.
I hate everything.
This last year or so has been one of the worst financially, spiritually, mentally etc. and I no longer have the strength to deal with it. My job sucks (at least I have one, but it still sucks), my home life sucks, we're slipping into dire straights and I have no one to talk to about it. I cannot say ANYTHING to the husband without him taking great offense. I know he feels like crap about the job situation (or lack there of) but I don't see him doing much of anything to fix that and to be honest, I'm pissed--looking for a job IS your job--do it--quit waiting for it to come to you. The person I should be able to share my fears with just shuts me down. I hate this kind of life.
If it were not for my daughter, I would pack up my shit and leave. Not just because of the hubby--but because of everything. I'm feeling "lost", confused, anxious--I feel a wanderlust forming--I have to get away from here, but have no idea where to go. Or even how to do it. I want a change, I want something new, I want to be anywhere but here. I am not comfortable in my own skin, I need to start over somewhere else--leave all my baggage and just start fresh.
I will not do that to DD--she is my air, my life. But how can I be a good mother to her when all I want to do escape? I put on the smile, I do all the right things on the outside, but on the inside I just want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like a drowning person--I gasp for air everyone in a while, but I just keep getting pulled under by the weight of my life.
It's pretty bad when you cannot even cry anymore. The sweet release of a good crying jag is even far beyond my reach. I am empty.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Inspired!
Kelley--you have inspired me to clean up the house a little bit and freshen up the blog. So forgive the mess and the changes going on--I'll be playing a bit with the blog layout and seeing if there is anything I think is worth keeping around.
I'm tired of the old look and need something fresh for the coming Springtime--Spring IS coming right? Please God, tell me it's just around the corner!!!!
I'm tired of the old look and need something fresh for the coming Springtime--Spring IS coming right? Please God, tell me it's just around the corner!!!!
Friday, February 6, 2009
What Office Supply am I ??????
You Are a Calculator |
 No matter what someone tells you, you're likely to focus on facts and data. You're a highly analytic person. You are only concerned with what you can know for sure. You look at situations objectively, and you have no problem approaching problems from multiple angles. You would make a good analyst or investment banker. You are confident enough to make tough calls and hard decisions. |
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Happy Blogaversary to ME
Wow--one year ago I started this little peek into my insane mind. You know what--I didn't think I would actually do it this long. Not that I post all the time or have great thoughts or insight, but it's been fun and place to "get it all out" sometimes
So--Happy Blogaversary to me!!!
Oh and for God's sake--will it EVER warm up around here? IT was -6 this morning with the wind chills lower than -20. I'm sick of seeing the 6 FEET of snow piled at the end of my driveway from shoveling--I'm tired of snow in general--I'm sick of winter! Blech. End Rant.
So--Happy Blogaversary to me!!!
Oh and for God's sake--will it EVER warm up around here? IT was -6 this morning with the wind chills lower than -20. I'm sick of seeing the 6 FEET of snow piled at the end of my driveway from shoveling--I'm tired of snow in general--I'm sick of winter! Blech. End Rant.
Friday, January 30, 2009
25 Random Things--FACEBOOK
OK--I'm on Facebook--and got tagged--thought I'd share this here too. Do you Facebook?
1) I am an "A" type personality Virgo. For those of you who know me--this is a big old "DUH"
2) This June, I will be married for 20 YEARS--holy cow!
3) I love Lucky Charms cereal
4) I don't have a Gall Bladder anymore
5) When I was 17 years old, I was left home alone for the weekend, I threw one HELL of a party and was still finding beer caps behind furniture a week later.
6) The summer I was 16 a friend and I and her boyfriend got on a plane, flew to Florida for the afternoon and came back the same day. All on his dad's credit card. Guy was 23 years old--why I am not dead by now, I will never know.
7) I will never be able to have the "NO Drugs" talk with my kid--thank God I married a saint so he can do it.
8) I am obsessed with the Twilight Books
9) I like to drive REALLY fast--for those of you who "get it"--I drive like a Cullen
10) I do not drive (too) fast when others are in the car with me--I value their lives more than my own
11) I love pretty much any type of fruit
12) I had a C-Section with my daughter after 26 hours of what is now known as the "labor & Delivery from hell" I don't share my birth stories with "1st timers" too scary.
13) I have worked at my same job for 10 years as of March 15th
14) I wish I had gone to Nursing School--any free money out there for me to go back?
15) I despise Cats
16) I miss my "firstborn" Cocker Spaniel Maverick all the time--he's been gone for almost 4 years.
17) I find my New Dog Chase only tolerable
18) I want to live in Austrailia someday--or at least vacation there for a month
19) I cannot sing to save my soul
20) I cannot draw a straight line with a ruler
21) My best friend is in Florida and I miss her every day. She's going thru some crap and I so want to be there for her. DESPERATELY want to be there for her.
22) I love my "Village Peeps" so much--they have blessed my life in many ways
23) I believe in God the Almighty, but I consider myself a religious "Free Agent"--no ties to any one group, but I believe and I pray daily
24) I can still do shots of Tequilia
25) I took a ROADTRIP with my BFF to Quantico, VA back in '87--our friend was in the Marines and we partied like rock stars with the Marines for 3 days. Best Girlie Road Trip EVER!
1) I am an "A" type personality Virgo. For those of you who know me--this is a big old "DUH"
2) This June, I will be married for 20 YEARS--holy cow!
3) I love Lucky Charms cereal
4) I don't have a Gall Bladder anymore
5) When I was 17 years old, I was left home alone for the weekend, I threw one HELL of a party and was still finding beer caps behind furniture a week later.
6) The summer I was 16 a friend and I and her boyfriend got on a plane, flew to Florida for the afternoon and came back the same day. All on his dad's credit card. Guy was 23 years old--why I am not dead by now, I will never know.
7) I will never be able to have the "NO Drugs" talk with my kid--thank God I married a saint so he can do it.
8) I am obsessed with the Twilight Books
9) I like to drive REALLY fast--for those of you who "get it"--I drive like a Cullen
10) I do not drive (too) fast when others are in the car with me--I value their lives more than my own
11) I love pretty much any type of fruit
12) I had a C-Section with my daughter after 26 hours of what is now known as the "labor & Delivery from hell" I don't share my birth stories with "1st timers" too scary.
13) I have worked at my same job for 10 years as of March 15th
14) I wish I had gone to Nursing School--any free money out there for me to go back?
15) I despise Cats
16) I miss my "firstborn" Cocker Spaniel Maverick all the time--he's been gone for almost 4 years.
17) I find my New Dog Chase only tolerable
18) I want to live in Austrailia someday--or at least vacation there for a month
19) I cannot sing to save my soul
20) I cannot draw a straight line with a ruler
21) My best friend is in Florida and I miss her every day. She's going thru some crap and I so want to be there for her. DESPERATELY want to be there for her.
22) I love my "Village Peeps" so much--they have blessed my life in many ways
23) I believe in God the Almighty, but I consider myself a religious "Free Agent"--no ties to any one group, but I believe and I pray daily
24) I can still do shots of Tequilia
25) I took a ROADTRIP with my BFF to Quantico, VA back in '87--our friend was in the Marines and we partied like rock stars with the Marines for 3 days. Best Girlie Road Trip EVER!
Sweet Mother of God....
OK--color me crazy, but I lost my mind when I heard the news today.
That woman who just gave birth to the 8 babies out in Cali? She has 6 MORE KIDS AT HOME?????????????????WTF??????????????HOLY HELL?????????WHAT THE????????
Let's take a leeeeeeetle walk down the old ETHICS highway here shall we? What Doctor (quack, nut case) would actually give a woman fertility treatments--knowing full well that multiples are the usual outcome--to a woman who already has SIX kids???? I think that license to practise should be thrown out the window--I just don't know--maybe she found some crazy "all for the babies" Dr--or maybe she lied out her ass--I don't know. But no decent Dr. would do that sort of thing. And I personally think she just got "dumped" onto Kaiser Medical to handle the problem once the shit went down--I don't blame that group much.
Now this woman did not have six older kids and this is one of those "Cougar wants to give her new boy toy a baby" families--but a YOUNG woman who already has SIX kids??? God in heaven I cannot even wrap my freaking mind around that crap.
She lives with her mommy and daddy--and the Today Show made it seem like the baby daddy really wasn't in the picture (man I hope that is wrong). Grandpa says that they have some huge house somewhere that they are going to live in where they will never be found--umm, yeah. I saw a pic of what you are living in now--and I'm guessing there are at least NINE of you living in it now--I would have made the move a long time ago.
"No one will find us"? Yeah right--until you start needing all the free shit or the Duggars come and hunt down your ass for stealing their thunder. Do you think TLC has moved in for the kill yet??
Again--I'm stunned
That woman who just gave birth to the 8 babies out in Cali? She has 6 MORE KIDS AT HOME?????????????????WTF??????????????HOLY HELL?????????WHAT THE????????
Let's take a leeeeeeetle walk down the old ETHICS highway here shall we? What Doctor (quack, nut case) would actually give a woman fertility treatments--knowing full well that multiples are the usual outcome--to a woman who already has SIX kids???? I think that license to practise should be thrown out the window--I just don't know--maybe she found some crazy "all for the babies" Dr--or maybe she lied out her ass--I don't know. But no decent Dr. would do that sort of thing. And I personally think she just got "dumped" onto Kaiser Medical to handle the problem once the shit went down--I don't blame that group much.
Now this woman did not have six older kids and this is one of those "Cougar wants to give her new boy toy a baby" families--but a YOUNG woman who already has SIX kids??? God in heaven I cannot even wrap my freaking mind around that crap.
She lives with her mommy and daddy--and the Today Show made it seem like the baby daddy really wasn't in the picture (man I hope that is wrong). Grandpa says that they have some huge house somewhere that they are going to live in where they will never be found--umm, yeah. I saw a pic of what you are living in now--and I'm guessing there are at least NINE of you living in it now--I would have made the move a long time ago.
"No one will find us"? Yeah right--until you start needing all the free shit or the Duggars come and hunt down your ass for stealing their thunder. Do you think TLC has moved in for the kill yet??
Again--I'm stunned
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Hello Mr. President and WTF?????????????
OK--so in respect for the new President, I have removed the "NObama" decal from my car window. He is my President for the next four years and I hope the best for him.
I fired up CNN.com to watch the inaug. at work. I was hoping to be inspired and given a message of some hope for our country's future. I was happy to witness history, but I didn't feel much more than "meh" about his speech--it's already been said, now it's time to "show me".
I was going to turn off the "show" and get back to work when I decided to just let the poem and prayers run in the background--so "glad" I did. The poem didn't make much sense and I didn't really care, but the benediction totally PISSED ME OFF.
The prayer started off on the right foot--but was that man channeling Rev. Wright at the end? WHAT THE HELL was "when all that are WHITE embrace what is RIGHT" about?
Millions of white people put Obama in the White house--millions of white people worked tirelessly on his campaign--why in the hell did he have to ruin what should have been a day of celebration and joining of ALL AMERICANS by playing the race card?
And for "Yellow getting to mellow" go ahead and piss off the Asian population while you are at it.
Getting a new President was going ok for me until that moment--the race card is NEVER a card well played.
I fired up CNN.com to watch the inaug. at work. I was hoping to be inspired and given a message of some hope for our country's future. I was happy to witness history, but I didn't feel much more than "meh" about his speech--it's already been said, now it's time to "show me".
I was going to turn off the "show" and get back to work when I decided to just let the poem and prayers run in the background--so "glad" I did. The poem didn't make much sense and I didn't really care, but the benediction totally PISSED ME OFF.
The prayer started off on the right foot--but was that man channeling Rev. Wright at the end? WHAT THE HELL was "when all that are WHITE embrace what is RIGHT" about?
Millions of white people put Obama in the White house--millions of white people worked tirelessly on his campaign--why in the hell did he have to ruin what should have been a day of celebration and joining of ALL AMERICANS by playing the race card?
And for "Yellow getting to mellow" go ahead and piss off the Asian population while you are at it.
Getting a new President was going ok for me until that moment--the race card is NEVER a card well played.
Monday, January 12, 2009
12" Should usually be a good thing right?
But not when it's snow....add that to 3 more inches tonight and 35-40 MPH winds for blizzard conditions and I am OFFICIALLY over winter!
And it's only Jan 12th. Blech
And it's only Jan 12th. Blech
Monday, January 5, 2009
2009
Well, here we are! 2009, a fresh start, a new year. I hope that this year is a great one for EVERYONE.
I don't make "resolutions", they are only meant to be broken and forgotten--but I do hope to work on my attitude and health this year. I feel I've become a bit of a cranky pants over the last year. I've been under a lot of stress, but we have found a way to survive it and I have to be grateful and turn it over to God that we will continue to "make it".
The stress has taken a toll and I am determined to find a way to get that under control--besides the bottle of wine I have been known to put away on occasion ;p
I want to spend more quality time with quality people--and get rid of the negative people. I got too wrapped up in the "drama" of people who really have no drama, they are clueless in the workings of the "Real world"--and when they get trhown back out into that world, they are going to be in for a RUDE awakening. But that is not my problem anymore--I'm gone from it. They are decent people, but they just don't live my reality and I don't have anything in common with them anymore.
My "quality" people know who they are. I am grateful for such fun people in my life. They "get" me. It's ok if we don't talk for days, we fall right back into the routine, there is not the need to be all up in each other's crap all the time--"neediness" is not in the vocabulary--they are strong women, they stand on their own and don't need the approval of a group to make it thru the day. I love them dearly!
Life isn't perfect for them either, we bitch to each other about it, do something and move on--we "deal", we coach each other on how to cope, but we all make our own decisions and go on with the business of living a good life. YEAH US!!!
OK--I'm rambling in my own mental way--but that's ok. My wish for all of you is health, happiness and peace for 2009!
I don't make "resolutions", they are only meant to be broken and forgotten--but I do hope to work on my attitude and health this year. I feel I've become a bit of a cranky pants over the last year. I've been under a lot of stress, but we have found a way to survive it and I have to be grateful and turn it over to God that we will continue to "make it".
The stress has taken a toll and I am determined to find a way to get that under control--besides the bottle of wine I have been known to put away on occasion ;p
I want to spend more quality time with quality people--and get rid of the negative people. I got too wrapped up in the "drama" of people who really have no drama, they are clueless in the workings of the "Real world"--and when they get trhown back out into that world, they are going to be in for a RUDE awakening. But that is not my problem anymore--I'm gone from it. They are decent people, but they just don't live my reality and I don't have anything in common with them anymore.
My "quality" people know who they are. I am grateful for such fun people in my life. They "get" me. It's ok if we don't talk for days, we fall right back into the routine, there is not the need to be all up in each other's crap all the time--"neediness" is not in the vocabulary--they are strong women, they stand on their own and don't need the approval of a group to make it thru the day. I love them dearly!
Life isn't perfect for them either, we bitch to each other about it, do something and move on--we "deal", we coach each other on how to cope, but we all make our own decisions and go on with the business of living a good life. YEAH US!!!
OK--I'm rambling in my own mental way--but that's ok. My wish for all of you is health, happiness and peace for 2009!
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