It's finally time....

Sorry about the lack of posting--I've just been such a debbie downer that I didn't even have the heart to write anything--and nothing has really been going on anyway--so--whatever.

Tomorrow is the day I walk into my attorney's office to sign the final dissolution agreement so we can get it submitted to the courts.  FINALLY.   Months of bullshit and petty negotiations (on STBX's part) have finally come together and we can put this mess to bed.

Once it's submitted to the court, we have to wait for a hearing date--so, while nothing is FINAL, FINAL, we are this last step towards closure.

Closure to over 23 years of marriage--not all good, not all bad--it just died a quiet death and STBX had to start the cheating--oh well, it is what it is. 

I'm not angry anymore, I'm just sad for what SHOULD have been for my daughter.  Now she adjusts to a life of split days with parents, split holidays and being jerked from place to place.  It really bothers me--FOR HER.  I didn't go thru it when my parents divorced--my Dad could not have cared less if he saw us or not and this was back in the 70's/80's where Mom got custody and that really was it--you saw dad when he could squeeze you in--and in my dad's case, it wasn't very often.  Which sucks, but at least you know where you are going to be all the time.  My poor kid rotates around every weekend and then had to do it again one night a week.  I feel bad for her and so pissed at the x for making it this way.

I would not want to have him back to just have a "simpler" life for my kid, because that atmosphere wasn't any good either--so it's just a tough place to be. But I wish he would just realize that he made this mess--he should be the only one who suffers for it.

Oh well--wish me luck tomorrow.....

REALLY?????

Roof leak?  REALLY....FML......

Still hanging in there....

OH this process is long and painful--how I long for it to be over so I can move on with my life.

DD started back to school today--sigh, 6th grade--how did it happen?  I cannot believe it.

But with the start of the new school year, comes a little welcome "normalcy" to our lives--or as normal as a house torn apart can be.

We are now down to the "kid swap" every other weekend and one night per week.  Which means, out of 2 weeks, he will have her for 2 nights--2 of which are school nights.  He has to drive her to her school the next moring--which is over a a 30 minute drive--we'll see how long that lasts.

It also means that between him taking her to school and her coming home on the bus, I will only really have to deal with the asshat 2 times a month.  PRAISE JEBUS!

All I can do is take it one day at a time and pray that I make it thru each day....I tell ya, if it were not for my daughter and knowing that she would be left to be taken care of by HIM...there is no telling what I would do sometimes.  ITS. SO. HARD.TO. DO. THIS.  sigh...............

I wish there was a way for me to even make 5k more a year on top of what I make now--that would help SO much more and give me a little breathing room--heck, I might even be able to afford insurance that way!  I'm probably going to need to take a 2nd job--but that means LESS time with my girl.  I'm taking on more stuff at my current job, but that is not going to do it alone...so discouraged...pray for me people!!!

Sigh....

My little mouse is going to be leaving me for 2 weeks starting this Friday!  I am overwhelmed with sadness that she will be gone.  She is going to the Ex-outlaws...and I can only imagine the hatred of me that they will fill her head with while she is there.

Why am I letting her go you ask?  Well, she's gone and done this for 4 years now--it's the only time she gets to spend with them really--because they cannot be bothered to see her any other time.  AND she wants to go...she says she is not sure if she wants to stay the whole 2 weeks...and I told her that the minute she wants to come home, all she has to do is call and I'll come and get her.

We are still back and forth with negotiations for the stupid dissolution...he's being such an ass and I'm just about tired of it.  I want it to just all go away.

I am an "A" type, OCD, anal retentive Virgo--and things being out of control drive me nuts.  I don't like not knowing what is going on and it seems that my fate has been flung to the wind.  SUCH a bad thing for people like me.  My anxiety is thru the freaking roof....and I just want it to end.

It's going to be worse when she is gone.  It gives my brain too much time to think--and I know that worrying about tomorrow robs the happiness from today, but that is just not how I am wired.

The nights are very long when she is gone as it is and that is only having to be apart from her for 2 days at a time....sigh.............

AN AMAZING FIND!!!

Ladies,

I have found a new source of inspiration for my soul.  If you have not found or read the blog forThe Brave Girls Club, I suggest you do.

I have a blinkie on the right side of my page, or you can go to bravegirlsclub.com

Get inspired for your life and restore your soul.

www.bravegirlsclub.com

Hey Knitters and Crafters....Win something!

http://stitchandunwind.com/win-10-skeins-of-pickles-yarn/

I know that craft supplies are MUY expensive--so sign up to win some free yarn!!!  Believe it or not I have started planning on my holiday knitting--I have to start now, or I'll never finish.

Good Luck!!

How to behave at public events.....

I realize that our world has become nothing but a bunch of self absorbed, egocentric, narcissists, but I am going to call out some of these people on their shit --- and so should everyone else.

When you are in the movie theater and the movie is playing: SHUT THE FUCK UP!  no one cares about your problems, your moms, your kids, your ex etc--this is a MOVIE, that I have paid MEGA bucks to attend and I don't want to hear your stories.  If I wanted that, I would have asked you out for drinks to discuss the crazy in your life in detail.  The movie theater is NOT the place for it.

When attending a graduation, wedding, dance recital, school play, please follow the steps below:
  
1: Enter the event wearing APPROPRIATE CLOTHES.  If you are not aware what is appropriate, ask someone, but I can ASSURE you that stinky tennis shoes, jeans with holes, your best NASCAR shirt, your ball cap etc have NO place at any of these events. This is the time to show respect for all of the hard work that the Graduates, dancers, performers have put into doing this event--if you cannot even put on decent clothes to show that respect--STAY HOME

2: Go to the bathroom BEFORE the event begins--getting up and down in the middle of an event is distracting and RUDE.  That is what intermission is for.  If  you cannot find it in your heart to sit still for 1 hour, head to the nearest physicians office and get checked for Adult ADD or something--it's not asking a lot out of you to behave yourself for a short period of time.

3: Parents with small children and those with medical issues who will NOT be able to sit down and be still should sit towards the back or off to the side of the seating area so that they disturb the LEAST amount of people with their needing to get up, passing around sippy cups, handing out snacks, bathroom runs etc.  Yeah, your kids might be cute--TO YOU--but the rest of us find them to be a big old pain in the ass.  (Side bar:  I have a kid--I've walked in your shoes--I hired a damn babysitter when I could afford to, or I followed the above advice so I didn't piss other people off--I NEVER plopped myself and my kid down in the middle of a 30 seat aisle and crawled over all those people multiple time.)

4: DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT repeatedly stand up to take pictures/record film etc..grab a quick shot from your seat if you must as your graduate walks across the stage--but that is IT!  This is NOT an appropriate time for a photo opp and you are blocking the view of the other people around you--RUDE!

AND the number one rule for not getting your ass kicked:  TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE--unless your name includes the title of PRESIDENT of some country OR you are waiting for an organ transplant, you are NOT THAT IMPORTANT.  The call can wait. So can the text, the tweet, the check in--whatever.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! 

People please, show a little respect--when adults do the right thing, children will follow their lead.  Think about how hard these people have worked, how much time and money has gone into this production/wedding/show etc--and put away your need to be the center of attention for just a little while and give it to someone who deserves it.   

Seriously people! DO YOUR DAMN JOB!

So I get a phone call from my mortgage broker saying that I have to have the Quit Claim on my house resigned by STBX*--record scratch--WTF!!  Yeah, um this has already be sent to you and filed with the county and the transfer has happened...

They said that this one is for the DEED.  They sent the original to the county and they needed it for the Deed and now I have to have it signed again.  All I can say is: LOST MY SHIT!  You fuck up and now I'm the one who has to fix it????  give me a break. Why can't people do the job correctly?  Lazy ass mo'fo's.

So I had to deal with all of that crap--and thank GOD that STBX was fairly decent about it and met me at the bank yesterday.  Of course he had to drop in his 2 cents about if I had found a lawyer yet...um...no, YOU are the one who wants a divorce asshole, you figure it out.  Once again, wanting everything taken care of for you....I told him to find someone by my work since we'll have to do this around HIS work schedule and mine is MUCH more flexible (my boss told me to just do whatever I needed to do to get him out of my life--love her!), I can leave my office and would not have to be gone forever if he finds someone by me.

We'll see.  The county I live in is backed up about 90 days to finalize divorces--so this shit will drag on into the fall I guess.   Bletch.

I think I am going to ask to waive child support if he gets NOTHING from the sale of the house, I am named residential parent and I get to claim her on the taxes--I come out WAY ahead that way over the long haul.  He will still have to pay half of all of her regular expenses, but I won't ding him weekly for support.  I have to check and see if that is possible.....going to go see about selling my wedding rings to the Gold Broker to help pay for the stupid lawyer too...Fuck my life...

*Soon To Be Ex

This house is CLEAN!!!

Not to quote Tangina Barrons (yes, that was the name of the little old lady in Poltergiest), but the demons have been excised from this house!!

He was done and gone on Friday and I did a tap dance of joy when that truck pulled out for the last time.

Such a feeling of relief that this chapter is now over.....

We have not talked about filing for divorce yet....but he was just "too busy" trying to find a place to live and get HIS life together before.....maybe the girlfriend will push his towards it now..OH WAIT, that would mean that SHE would have to get a divorce too.  LOSERS, the both of them.

I spent my weekend, cleaning, scrubbing, vaccuuming, moving and rearranging furniture--and things are all the way I want them now.  I look around my house with joy...and for the first time in MONTHS, I am not living holed up in a bedroom, trying to stay out of the way of someone that I loathe and could not stand the site of.

I hope he finds everything that he is looking for.....and I hope that this is a new beginning for a happy life for me too.

My daughther and I DESERVE happiness!

HE'S PACKING IT UP!!!!!!

The joy I feel with every pull of the packing tape roller is amazing.  It's finally happening and I cannot believe it!  He has not told me this, but I have found out that his place will be ready on the 11th!  Yes people just a week!  He is off work next weekend too, so I hope he has all the shit he needs moved out by the end of it!

The boxes are piling up in the garage and my basement is emptying out--and it gives me such a sense of peace to know that this part of the nightmare is soon to be over.  Now don't get me wrong, the actual divorce part of the nightmare has yet to begin, but not having to deal with him each and every single day will be SUCH a relief.

He and the hussy appear to have made up--so hopefully she will move in with him soon so I won't feel all that bad (smirk) when he gets served with a child support order ;p

LOVED me some "Loosies"

OK--so I'm not a big IFC film kind of girl, but I kind of have the hots for Peter Facinelli (don't judge)...not the blonde vampire Peter, but the dark haired hot Peter.  Yeah Yeah, I know there is debate on him cheating on Jennie and all that jazz...but let me have my fantasies...hell, it's all I've got anymore.

He wrote, produced and starred in a recently released movie called Loosies (loosies are single cigarettes that you can by in SOME major cities at bars or news stands.  I wish they had that around here so I could feed my "monster" and not have to have a whole pack sitting there saying...SMOKE ME, SMOKE ME..I digress).  Anyhew.....in the movie, he smokes loosies and bangs a chick named Lucy and gets her knocked up.  He is a professional pick pocket working to pay off the gambling debts of his deceased father..long story short, he steals a cops badge and this is the "fun" of having to deal with a chick he knocked up, changing his life and running from the cops...all while dealing with his conscience.

It's worth an hour and a half of your life--if nothing less than starting at P-Fach and his hotness...

Can I get a giggle in here?

Smirk....they broke up.....hmmm...grass isn't always greener is it asshole? and now you are stuck with plane tickets you cannot use--kinda sucks for you doesn't it.

Can I post something positive?

OK--if there is a silver lining in all the bull crap that has been going on in my life (besides the fact that I don't have to deal with the outlaws anymore), it's the fact that this mess has been AWESOME for my weight loss plan.

Not that I had a weight loss plan--I was actually gaining weight like it was my job--but the stress of everything has totally put my stomach in knots.  The thought of food makes me want to throw up. I have been eating very little--but what I have been eating is much healthier for me because I have made a conscience decision that, if I can hardly get anything down, I should at least be putting better stuff into me.

I think the major thing is that I have gone to much smaller portions because I just cannot eat that much--thus proving the fact that everything in moderation is the best way to eat.  Prior to the crazy, a single lean cuisine would have been a snack for me--now it's a full meal and I'm satisfied with it. I have DRAMATICALLY cut down on soda products (even though I drank diet) and have switched to tea--and boy has then been helpful in the "flush" of my system--in EVERY way you can imagine.

Playing tennis and having to do all of my own yard work has kept me moving and active as well.

So--the good news?  I have lost 24lbs since the end of Jan!!!  Woo-a-hoo!!!  I am thrilled.  I am about 15lbs from my goal weight--but I think I am carrying that in my boobs, so no telling if I will ever get there.  I need some new pants desperately, but the money fairy will be skipping my house for the next oh--FOREVER, so I will have to make do with belts.

The Saga Continues

So on Friday, Asshole decides to email me at work in the late afternoon saying that he has called all the untilities and had them taken out of his name.  I have until 4:00 to call them all back and transfer it into my name or the serivces will cut off as of Monday Morning.  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!  Nice...way to think about your daughter's well being asshole.
So, I get it all taken care of and everything is fine.  Then I get back to MY house.  He then goes off on me about how dare I not think he is thinking about DD, I am un trustworthy...again WTF!!  Really, I'm not the one screwing someone else butt munch.  He then says to hand over the keys to the car that HE is paying for.  I said, no, I told you I would take over the payments, I'm waiting for YOU to get the paperwork pulled together, I need a car to drive to work and to take our CHILD where she needs to go.

He says that if I drive that car without his permission, he will call the cops and report it stolen.  I have to ASK everytime I need to drive it.  FUCK THAT.

Jesus in heaven is looking out for me because on Sunday a dealership is having a HUGE month end blow out and is selling a 20K car for 12,995!  It's a KIA--and I'm not thrilled about owning foreign since I LOVE my Cruze, but I will NOT have his threats hanging over my head.  I had been to this dealership before and had driven the RIO and hated it--sub compact--too small, yikes, sounded weird. 

BUT--The Forte is KIA's version of the Cruze and that is what the special was on--so BONUS for me--upgrade on the car and they paid off the Cruze--so take that A-Hole.  Man was he pissed that I was able to just walk in and finalize all that in less than 2 hours.  He was so rude to the guy at the dealership when I called him in to come and sign off on the car note--but HEY ASSHOLE, I did you a MITZVAH--I didn't HAVE to do anything with the Cruze, I could have let you suck it and figure out a way to pay for both cars.  Guess what--I'm the better person here, I'm the grown-up.  I did the right thing, like I have all along.

YOU are the piece of shit who has to lay in his filth.  Oh--and when your girlfriend REALLY finds out your situation--financially/professionally/sexually, you'll be all alone won't you.  SUCK IT!

You have NOTHING left to hold over my head, so kiss my ASS!

This rambling rant has been brought to you by the letter "O" for OVER YOUR SHIT!

CLOSING IS DONE!!!

Well that part of this little fiasco seems to be over....soon to be EX has 3 days to change his mind and he still has to sign the quit claim, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he won't pull any shit.

He is moving out at the end of May--yeah!  However, that means I have to look at his nasty face for 2 more months.  Blech

He is being very reasonable about what he is going to take with him--except he wants the lawnmower, so I have to go buy one of those.  Everything else is good to go as far as I am concerned...now to get him to file the dissolution papers....one thing at a time I guess, one thing at a time.

Rolling, rolling, rolling......

So things are rollin right along with my refinance.  I should get the final numbers this week and set up closing towards the end of the month.  SO much paperwork--blech.

Wayward Husband has STILL provided me with no information as to his plans, what he is taking, when he is going, blah blah blah.  WHY?????  WHY?????  HE is the one who wants this, so why isn't he moving forward?  He flipped out that I started the re-fi process so quickly--"Why are you in such a hurry?" he asked.  Well, asshole, because you don't want to be married to me anymore and I'm moving on with my life and planning ahead for me and my daughter.  WHY AREN'T YOU IN SUCH A HURRY?  He has no answers.  He jsut says he doesn't know yet. 

Well mister, if you think I am letting you hang around all up in my business while you wait for your whore to get out of HER marriage so you can have your love nest, you are sadly mistaken.  I want this shit OVER and I want to move on with my life. 

I have great friends who have been keeping me busy and checking on me and taking me out (and being the designated driver so I can get plastered) so, bless their hearts!  This would be so much easier to deal with and I could start coming to terms with things if I didn't have to look at his skanky ass everyday.  UGH!  The tension in the house is SO thick.  It's not good for anyone.

He actually told me to go out and find someone else...I'm sure that would assuage HIS guilt and justify his behaviour, but REALLY?  Why in the hell would I want to put up with someone else's shit right now?  I've GOT friends, family and good company--I don't need hassles...and hell, I've got batteries if things get horrible in that "other" department--heck that is a sure thing and I don't have to make it coffee in the morning!

I feel sorry for people who's live MUST be defined by having someone take care of them all the time.   Maybe that is why he had to have his escape plan set in motion before he would actually piss me off enough to agree to a divorce...HE cannot be alone or take care of himself--he never has had to--From his parents house, to my house--never lived on his "own".  I, on the other hand, have pretty much been on my own since I was 17--I know how to take care of ME and those around me--but I don't want to take care of anyone but my daughter and myself right now.

Keep on praying and keep those good JUJU thoughts going for my refi!!!

Ahhh the joys...

It is so much fun having to try and refinance your house, decide who gets what, worry about how you are going to make ends meet and not try to kill the person who had turned your life into a living hell.

How I am going to survive until he moves out is the question...I cannot stand to even look at him, none the less deal with him.

The house is being refinanced in my name only and I cannot wait for that to be done--keep you fingers crossed that it goes smoothly.

The only stickler in me being able to survive monthly is the stupid car payment I will have to take over--the car is in his name and so is the title...SO tempted to just tell him that it's his problem, but I want to be the bigger person.  I've looked around at other cars and anything decent would only save me about $75 a month at the VERY most...and then I'd have another 5 year loan. Anything used is always full of unknowns and I have to have safe reliable transportatioin for me and my daughter. UGH..It will be less than 4 years left on the car I currently drive, so I might have to suck it up.

I never knew you could actually HATE a person so much that you USED to love so much.

sigh..

Nothing new on the homefront--kind of hard to resolve anything when you have not spoken to each other in almost 3 weeks.

I have moved past my anger and now I just don't feel anything--perhaps I have already emotionally checked out.  I really need to set up some time with a counceller--but I don't have time to breathe, non the less interview or check out that kind of thing.

Does he think this is just going to "go away"--maybe if we do't talk, it will just dissappear and things will go back to normal?  We share a house, but that is it--he is in the man cave or in a bedroom--we avoid each other at all costs when moving about the house...this sucks!

I have decided that one month is the limit on how long I will let this go on...and then I will issue the ultimatum....we either decide to work things out and get some help or we end things--this is not good for anyone....

The craziest thing?  I have not shed ONE tear.....my anger has ruled me for 2 months...and now, when I think about things being over--it dosn't really bother me all that much.  I will be ok--I have a support system--and a plan for the future if this goes to divorce--that is worked out...but why don't I cry?  I think it's strange...

FML

Picture it....December 2011


You start to wonder why your husband of almost 23 years starts physically turning off and putting away his laptop after 4 years of it sitting on the same end table.  You start to wonder when you husband--who never had his phone on him--it always layed out on the counter on the charger--he didn't pay attention to it...now NEVER has the phone out of his site, the ringer is turned off and it's always in a pocket or in his coat. When you are around him and you hear his phone beep, but he never checks who it is or what that sound is...


He starts up tanning again in earnest...starts making plans to go out and doesn't invite you to go or is totally vauge as to where things will be and who will be there..and he goes alone.


You start to wonder when you receive more Christmas presents at one time than you have over the last 3 years......


You go to pay for cell phone bill and you notice that 15 days in your billing cycle (out of 31) that your husband is thisclose to being out of texts...and this is a guy who used to barely use 100 total in the same amount of time.....


You start to wonder when there are comments made on his Facebook page by people he doesn't work with, that are local and he's never mentioned to you.


SOOOO...as any normal person would do....I stop wondering and I start investigating.....beginning with all the texts....hmmm...I see a pattern here on a few numbers...wonders who they are....so I call....and much to my (non) surprize, it's another woman--her home phone, her cell phone and her WORK phone..all over the texting and the phone usage.....


Then you check the bank statements....hmmmmm....lunch over by her work...on a day the he is OFF--at a place that would be unlike him to eat in at....Oh and no...don't tell me it was take out becasue I saw the first charge--you know, the one they run thru before you put a tip on it?  Then I saw the final charge with the tip come thru....stupid man


So you start looking into things and you see that all of his passwords have been changed for Facebook and such....you used to know them--heck he used to leave FB up and running all the time.....must be using that little FB chat feature to keep in touch with his friends(s).


He starts wondering why you are so distant......you say it's nothing while you keep on hoping that you are DEAD WRONG, but you just know in your gut that you are right.


So this goes on for a few weeks....and you cannot take it anymore--especially after you have seen the hotel reservation made for a King Suite, for 2 people (pretty dumb to leave that in your "trash" folder asshole) that he had made for when he is going out of town for something for his "hobby".  So you call the gal pal and ask her what her plans are for that night--I play dumb too, like it was a wrong number and I just hang up.  She totally plays dumb--but she gets a hold of your hubby to let him know that the jig is up!  Nothing is said to me by him--but off he goes anyway--he comes home the same night, but what if I hadn't called and said anything?  What would have really happened?


So a few more days go by and you start to get pissed, so you go pull out his computer...you look and you see that his webpage history has been cleared, all the search history cleared...everything--you even look at his trash folder--there are some pictures of interest in there, but I cannot prove where they came from--Chick posing on bikes--not this same chick mind you...but one wonders where he has gotten the ideas for me to post by his car in my heels. 


I look into downloading a key stroke logger....but nothing is getting past our Antivirus or Firewall--damn me beign so efficient...but I DON"T clear my history....lets see what this does, shall we?


AMAZING, that night I get his computer shoved in my face by him...with all sorts of WTF'S! and WTH are YOU doing being thrown around. 


So I just lay it on the line and ask who the hell HEATHER is.....well, that sure got things going.


Did you know that you need to share your phone number with SOMEONE who works the cashier line at your work's lunch room--not even for your comapny, so it's not like you would really get to know this person--but you really SHOULD give her your phone number...just so she can "keep in touch" and let you know how htings are going--because SHE'S only a person you see for less than 10 minutes per weekend?  Really--you have formed such a strong bond only talking to this person as you pass in the lunch line...that you can call her at her other job and talk and call her on her cell?  Oh what?  She's married too??   OOOOOOHHHHHH,, yeah, you all must only really just be friends then....


I'M NOT FUCKING STUPID!


However, according to YOU, I am the worst person on the face of the earth because I DARE to sneak around and see what YOU are up to.....Why do I have to sneak around, why can't I jsut come out and ask you?  Well, for one thing asshole,  don't believe you anymore, your actions since after Thanksgiving have spoken more than your words!


If I were to trust you, you would have told me right from the beginning what was going on with your FRIEND, you tell me about evey last detail about shit I don't care about from all of your other "FRIENDS"--but this one NEVER once has been mentioned until YOU GOT BUSTED. 


But I am the bitch who had ruined it all?  You are DONE with ME?  23 years down the drain because I was checking up on you?


FUCK YOU!


My mother tells me that this is a very dangerous age for men...especially men who are lost and struggling to find there place again after change and chaos in their work and financial life (hmmm sound familiar?).  I guess we'll have to see where this goes....


Right now, we don't even speak.....I don't know how I'll ever forgive you for the hateful things you said to me Monday night.