Oh Robin.....

                          We wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
       We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
       We wear the mask!

Paul Laurence Dunbar

I have a LOT more to say on depression and the darkness...but I am just not able to put it down just yet.

Rest in Peace Robin Williams.....

RANDOM THOUGHTS..............

Things running thru my head at this time.......

3 more weeks until my girl is in Jr. High--Lawd help me.

Why are Jr. High school supplies so FREAKING expensive.  What happened to buying some loose leaf notebook paper and a Trapper Keeper?

My mother is THE most passive aggressive person I know.  REALLY? It has been THREE weeks since she has spoken to me..all because I would not help her find my grandmother some pants.  (Did I mention I was in another STATE when I was told I needed to drop everything and help her the next day?) Didn't like the answer that I already had things to do when I got home?  Sorry...I don't plan my life around your crazy.  Now go on, keep acting a fool and telling everyone that I won't take your calls...funny, I don't have any missed calls from you on my phone.

Work better start picking up soon...it's supposed to be busy season ramping up...little nervous

Did I mention I have a really great guy in my life right now?  It's been almost 6 months together..he's good to me...and I really like him. (Geez, putting in the blogesphere makes it kinda real right?) He treats my daughter really well and his daughter is great too!  Oh--and he is a GREAT cook...but I've got to stop eating...lol

I'm kind of happy right now.....:)


That is all.

DEPRESSION SUCKS!

If you have ever suffered from depression, or know someone who has...read this....it struck a chord with me as, for about 18 months or so, this is EXACTLY how I felt.  I am good now, but truer words were NEVER spoken about what it's like to live in the darkness.


http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Today's Inspiration...

Sing it Bey.....

Free at last, Free at last

I begin the new year 2013 as a free woman!

My dissolution was final on the 28th and my goal of not entering a new year married to HE Who Shall Not Be Named, has been made.

I am so happy to have this closure to what has been the shittiest year of my life.  I am finally at peace with the  situation...I have spent the last year learning to be ME again.  It was not easy, but I did learn that I WILL be ok on my own.

It is actually a relief to have no one to answer to but myself (I mean in my own personal life--we all have bosses and bills--but that is just a given).  I am only responsible for myself and my daughter and to be able to make a decision on my own without it going thru "committee" or taking someone else's feelings or consideration into EVERY FUCKING thing, like I have had to do my entire adult life, is freeing.  Sure it was hard to get to this place in my life, but I am finally there and I am HAPPY. 

For the first time in probably five years, I. AM. HAPPY.

Will things be easy?  No.  Will things go smooth all the time? No.  But that is ok, because I'm going to be ok. I'll get thru whatever gets thrown at me...because I HAVE to and I know I can!

So here is to new beginnings and a new chapter for me.....2013 is going to be great!

It's finally time....

Sorry about the lack of posting--I've just been such a debbie downer that I didn't even have the heart to write anything--and nothing has really been going on anyway--so--whatever.

Tomorrow is the day I walk into my attorney's office to sign the final dissolution agreement so we can get it submitted to the courts.  FINALLY.   Months of bullshit and petty negotiations (on STBX's part) have finally come together and we can put this mess to bed.

Once it's submitted to the court, we have to wait for a hearing date--so, while nothing is FINAL, FINAL, we are this last step towards closure.

Closure to over 23 years of marriage--not all good, not all bad--it just died a quiet death and STBX had to start the cheating--oh well, it is what it is. 

I'm not angry anymore, I'm just sad for what SHOULD have been for my daughter.  Now she adjusts to a life of split days with parents, split holidays and being jerked from place to place.  It really bothers me--FOR HER.  I didn't go thru it when my parents divorced--my Dad could not have cared less if he saw us or not and this was back in the 70's/80's where Mom got custody and that really was it--you saw dad when he could squeeze you in--and in my dad's case, it wasn't very often.  Which sucks, but at least you know where you are going to be all the time.  My poor kid rotates around every weekend and then had to do it again one night a week.  I feel bad for her and so pissed at the x for making it this way.

I would not want to have him back to just have a "simpler" life for my kid, because that atmosphere wasn't any good either--so it's just a tough place to be. But I wish he would just realize that he made this mess--he should be the only one who suffers for it.

Oh well--wish me luck tomorrow.....

REALLY?????

Roof leak?  REALLY....FML......

Still hanging in there....

OH this process is long and painful--how I long for it to be over so I can move on with my life.

DD started back to school today--sigh, 6th grade--how did it happen?  I cannot believe it.

But with the start of the new school year, comes a little welcome "normalcy" to our lives--or as normal as a house torn apart can be.

We are now down to the "kid swap" every other weekend and one night per week.  Which means, out of 2 weeks, he will have her for 2 nights--2 of which are school nights.  He has to drive her to her school the next moring--which is over a a 30 minute drive--we'll see how long that lasts.

It also means that between him taking her to school and her coming home on the bus, I will only really have to deal with the asshat 2 times a month.  PRAISE JEBUS!

All I can do is take it one day at a time and pray that I make it thru each day....I tell ya, if it were not for my daughter and knowing that she would be left to be taken care of by HIM...there is no telling what I would do sometimes.  ITS. SO. HARD.TO. DO. THIS.  sigh...............

I wish there was a way for me to even make 5k more a year on top of what I make now--that would help SO much more and give me a little breathing room--heck, I might even be able to afford insurance that way!  I'm probably going to need to take a 2nd job--but that means LESS time with my girl.  I'm taking on more stuff at my current job, but that is not going to do it alone...so discouraged...pray for me people!!!

Sigh....

My little mouse is going to be leaving me for 2 weeks starting this Friday!  I am overwhelmed with sadness that she will be gone.  She is going to the Ex-outlaws...and I can only imagine the hatred of me that they will fill her head with while she is there.

Why am I letting her go you ask?  Well, she's gone and done this for 4 years now--it's the only time she gets to spend with them really--because they cannot be bothered to see her any other time.  AND she wants to go...she says she is not sure if she wants to stay the whole 2 weeks...and I told her that the minute she wants to come home, all she has to do is call and I'll come and get her.

We are still back and forth with negotiations for the stupid dissolution...he's being such an ass and I'm just about tired of it.  I want it to just all go away.

I am an "A" type, OCD, anal retentive Virgo--and things being out of control drive me nuts.  I don't like not knowing what is going on and it seems that my fate has been flung to the wind.  SUCH a bad thing for people like me.  My anxiety is thru the freaking roof....and I just want it to end.

It's going to be worse when she is gone.  It gives my brain too much time to think--and I know that worrying about tomorrow robs the happiness from today, but that is just not how I am wired.

The nights are very long when she is gone as it is and that is only having to be apart from her for 2 days at a time....sigh.............

AN AMAZING FIND!!!

Ladies,

I have found a new source of inspiration for my soul.  If you have not found or read the blog forThe Brave Girls Club, I suggest you do.

I have a blinkie on the right side of my page, or you can go to bravegirlsclub.com

Get inspired for your life and restore your soul.

www.bravegirlsclub.com